The Call You Never Want: Lessons I've Learned Since My Cancer Diagnosis

"You've Got Cancer"

…oomph. Gut punch.

“Ah, and it’s one of the aggressive types. We need to see if it has metastasized.”

It’s a moment that leaves your soul exposed and emotions stripped raw. An out-of-body experience, where you find yourself thinking, “Do you have the right person?”

The world just stops.

You know you need to talk to family and friends, but honestly, you want to be alone for a bit. It isn’t so much for processing, but more of a life reckoning at hyper-speed.

In fact, you experience more emotions at light-speed than ever before: shock, disbelief, sadness, fear, confusion…and yes, anger. It’s almost impossible to unpack all of that; they all hit you at once.

I’ve tried to live life with passion, gusto, adventure and purpose. I’ve been fortunate enough to run the Marine Corps Marathon and complete three triathlons with my daughter, open businesses, climb Kilimanjaro, pursue deep-sea fishing and interesting adventures, and I’ve been blessed with wonderful family, close friends, and business colleagues.

But the deep, dark reality of that moment is that you feel inadequate.

You start reflecting on what you didn’t do versus what you did. All of the “what ifs” tumble through your mind. It’s that deep-in-the-soul moment where you reckon with your mortality, and the parts of your life you let slip by. 

Each person receiving this call goes on their own unique and personal journey.

In a dark way, there is a certain liberation that comes with it. The liberation is from past norms that have dictated your life, and you rising to take control. You may emotionally isolate a bit, but then start doing what you need to do, not what others want you to do.

After enormous turmoil and the full spectrum of emotions, appointments and finally treatment, I’ve gained some perspective.

Here’s what I’ve learned that may be useful and how I’m prepping for the future.

Early Detection is a Gamechanger

Quite frankly, the moment the word cancer comes into the narrative, your perspective changes. While many people face more challenging medical struggles, you will live with the uncertainty of whether it has metastasized or might come back. These are ever-present reminders of how fast life can change.

You know the drill and have heard it before: “F” cancer.

I’ve been taking this on “with a vengeance” for quite a few months now. Once the docs said it might have spread to the bones, my mindset was, “Take no prisoners. Let’s get going!”

I was very fortunate to have caught it very early. In fact, it was pure luck. A random blood test detected a sharp increase in a cancer antigen over a brief 79 day period.

Be proactive in your own testing and self-monitoring. It’s the difference between life and death.

Let’s stay on this for a hot minute.

• Don’t automatically “drink the Kool-Aid” that you “don’t need” that test, or it’s not necessary for “x” years. BS. Too often that advice is driven by who pays for it. The comprehensive testing I underwent on September 30, 2023 would have held for at least a year, except I decided to enter an intense wellness program late in 2023. They wanted to run their own baselines. Had that not happened, and I had waited, then the probabilities go way up I’d be dealing with a far, far more difficult intervention.

• You can buy your own blood tests. Now, I run my own blood testing on a more frequent schedule and upload it to my provider’s portal. They are reasonably priced, and it’s your life. If you are at risk, it may be worthwhile to go on a shorter cycle than annual. I’m not suggesting becoming a hypochondriac or wasting money, BUT take control personally and do what you need. Several national lab companies (e.g., Labcorp, Quest) have extensive tests available that are easy to access with confidential patient portals.

• If you really want to go deep, there are advances in blood testing that are worth understanding. There’s no question that early cancer detection has saved lives. There are pro’s and con’s to this, but do your own research and make an informed decision if it’s right for you. The Wall Street Journal has published several pieces on this topic. Here’s one: (https://www.wsj.com/articles/grail-galleri-early-cancer-detection-health-test-a9b8e0d8)

 Be Your Own Advocate

You must be your own advocate. This one is hard to swallow, but embrace it. The demand for quality health services exceeds supply. The good people are over-worked. Getting access to specialists is frustratingly time consuming. The system is so loaded that you could easily ”fall through the cracks.”

You have to take on some, maybe quite a bit, of responsibility yourself. Don’t assume someone “in the system” is watching out for your best interests. You have to do that. This is not criticizing the people in the system, rather recognizing the heavy workloads that create very long delays and backlogs.

Very seriously, you must proactively manage your healthcare yourself.

I also learned this hands-on while being the sole caregiver for my dad during his multi-year bile duct cancer battle. We had to be absolutely “on-top” of everything in our management approach and in prevention. It brought him a few more quality years.

Living with Uncertainty

You’re never “cured”. Even if “they got all of it” you know deep inside that somehow that first cancer cell mutated and spread. What’s to prevent that from happening again? You mitigate the risk with lifestyle and regular surveillance, but there’s no guarantee. Maybe it comes back, maybe it doesn’t. You have to accept that uncertainty and not be blind or naive. You’ll periodically find yourself wondering whether a mutant cell is going to migrate somewhere in your body, as if it’s going on its own little exploration.

A New Perspective on Life

You’ve changed, and value life more than ever. The immortality of youth gives way to the realism of life and time. You treasure the breaths and vitality that you have now. The “small stuff” really does become insignificant.

The quality of life and how you spend your time becomes invaluable. You’ll never take it for granted again.

In fact, you may yearn for a “redo” on some past life stretches. Dwelling on the past is hard and destructive, but learning from the past will create higher-quality moments in the future.

Resetting Life Goals

There is a recognition that the sand in the hourglass of life is moving fast. You prioritize and attack with whatever time you have left. Whether you think you have lots of time or less, you make it count.

Time is your asset; protect it. To that extent, I’ve adopted a new motto: “Carpe Vitam”

In Dead Poets Society, Robin Williams’ character reinforced the Latin phrase “Carpe Diem” or in English, “Seize the Day”. I’ve adopted a slightly broader motto, “Carpe Vitam,” which means “Seize Life.”

Become Obsessed with Living.

I genuinely regret time that was wasted or when I wasn’t enlightened enough to know better.

We all want to leave some legacy that we were relevant in our time here. Decide what that is and become laser focused. That may determine how you are remembered and whether you leave a “life lesson” for the people important to you.

There are three personal goals I’ve taken to heart and have prioritized. The first and third are obvious, the second may seem silly, but it’s important to me.

1. Find and Be My Best Me. If I’m checking out sooner vs. later, then damn it I’m leaving a good looking corpse. OK, that’s a little dramatic. Seriously, I’ve hit the gym, not as an afterthought, but now I build my days around that priority. If I’m going to stretch that “life hourglass” out, then I need to do my part. If you’re overweight, which I was, drop the lbs.
   • My formula: - More protein, less carbs. - Make two hours of activity per day (walk, bike, garden, whatever) happen. You can spread it out. - Eat smart foods and genuinely watch the sugar (cancer feeds off of sugar). - Rest. Napping now includes a morning 15 minute cat nap.
   • I brought a trainer into my mix. I traded out the costs of some bad habits to cover it, but it helps to have someone push you and encourage you, even just once a week.

2. Two more fish to catch. Here’s the goofy part. There are nine billfish species in the world. Catch all nine and have them documented, and you’ve achieved a Royal Grand Slam and go into a record book. (along with thousands of others, but so what)
   • Over the past two decades, I’ve stumbled along and managed to catch seven. There are two more out there (Black Marlin and Short Bill Spear).
   • So, while I can (which hopefully will be years) I’m going for it…now. Here’s what’s even funnier, it’s all about catch and release. Yep, get the GoPro fired up to record the catch…then quickly cut the leader and release it.
   • This one is for me. Don’t care if anyone thinks it’s silly (some do). Fortunately, I’ve got some wonderful people encouraging and rooting me on.
   • Then…my first tattoo marking the achievement. I don’t have any tattoos, but a few friends have offered to design up something unique. Why not?

3. Invest in the Important People. The greatest legacy is the positive impact you’ve made on others and the people that will stick with you through it all. You know who they are.
   • Enjoy activities with them. Share laughs, stories and those important life lessons.
   • Trust me, they are watching, listening and learning true strength from you that they will draw from in tough times.
   • Realize and embrace that you have a greater impact on people around you than you might think. Your life has meaning and is influential, even if at this moment you don’t see it.
   • You’ll find out who’s important in your world, and who’s just sucking your energy and full of BS. (Avoid them, seriously…draw the line.)

Whatever your life moment is, embrace the power that can come from it.

It’s not so much about “re-inventing” yourself; not so sure I really believe in that notion anyway. It’s about letting what’s inside of you come out.

Too often in life, particularly when younger, our true passions get pushed down by other people for various reasons. Maybe it’s just not what they want us to be, so we get nudged into some social convention or norm.

Now is your moment to bring it forward, bring that happiest you forward. It doesn’t matter what the “it” in “bring it forward” is, it just has to be the true you. Volunteer, climb a mountain, read to children, catch that fish, go travel, embrace the setting sun…but it’s on your terms.

Heck, as I read this back, I realize my dad said something similar after his diagnosis. Minus the trainer and the aspirational fish – he did all this in the end. I wish I’d listened then. Start now.

Carpe Vitam! …and hope to see you romping through Key West at some point.